Some things best kept private, but that I want to keep
Be sure to read all of the dock before you judge on any particular entry
Something’s are best kept private.
What does it take to get somewhere in life, and is it really necessary? I am not apathetic, but the twinge of quite desperation seems like an inescapable spectre, even in the times when I try to "relax" it rears its grey-green head. I'm sure that this feeling will haunt me till I'm old, especially to someone of mediocre talent such as myself. Knowledgeable and somewhat clever, but not consistent enough to amount to anything. I know I'm not alone in this sentiment, millions of others in the world have lived their lives in this manner. Having talents that shine at times, only to find that they're mediocre in the grand scheme. What's it take to escape this whining anxiety? It would be an interesting study to see how much the fear of mediocrity pushes those in the upper ranks of any respective field.
If one were to grow up in the U.S among equals, they would understand what this feels like. Success abound but none for you, unless you throw away everything that you've held dear in your life. Maybe that's why attachment is a sin, you can be damn productive without it. Damn certain though, trying to succeed in the land of opportunity is a schizophrenic nightmare. It makes one wonder what the merits of equality really are. Inequality is a convenience when it comes to life achievement and security, no wonder its so pervasive. Competition does produce a hell of a healthy society and system, the problem is the struggle is never ending. Survival is a heavy burden, survival in relative happiness is one that I can't help but be miserable in achieving. Maybe one day someone will read these words and provide an answer to my question. As for right now, I'll stop bitching and get on with my existence, as has been going on for billions of years with much greater problems than my whining paranoia.
Maybe there's a solution somewhere, as many wise men have said, its the question that's the start. Granted asking how to escape from one's success anxiety isn't as fallacious as asking "why not kill myself?", but simultaneously both have a right to be answered when they're posed. I couldn't imagine a world without this anxiety either though; would it be paradise, or another re--wrapping of hell?
Next topic, politics, the most pervasive thing to exist among creatures, not the birds, bees bacteria, or humanity can exist without politics coming into view. First I’m going to show one of the overarching results of politics, the incessant need for conflict. Then I’m going to explain why politics is the form that this need comes through.
There are always resources, there are always things fighting for those resources. If there is ever an abundance of one resource, such as air (in the Earth’s atmosphere the day of this writing) another plane will be found. Wonder why the most powerful men are the most petty? They have to fight something, they need an enemy. Royalty is beautiful in how childlike it is. Same with nationalism, once a nation is aligned they need an enemy, sometimes the other way around. Living in harmony is all well and good, but god damn do we need those struggles. Could you imagine a world where everybody was submissive to one power? It would be synonymous with peace, but simultaneously the greatest tyranny. Underneath all of the want for peace and security is a want of conflict, of doing, of action. Nobody wants to get old and die without a struggle in the process. Maintain peace so you can control exactly what conflicts you engage in. Isn’t that the point of safety and order? The same schizophrenic double take that’s so pervasive in human thought, but so necessary in its practice and organization.
What’s a mind worth? Infinite, especially If its in your possension. I can’t fathom why I am so willing to waste it on animal sympathies, I witness the result of it everyday, and see the horrible results of it in people that have stake in future generations, yet when I get a hankerin for ineffectual activity, there’s no resisting it. Why can’t my rationale dictate everything? Stupid ass negative feedback system, maybe if we could have all of our hormonal, or not neccesarry needs regulated through some sort of medication? One that makes us need to be productive to get the same high as sex; a permanent need to meet aspirations while also providing the high levels of animalistic pleasure from achieving non-biologically mandated goals?
What is it about death that bothers me… surprisingly little. The scariest thing about it is the permanence of it and the one way, infinitely taxing and forever changing element of it. By definition once you are dead, there is no returning. In the cases where individuals lose all vital signs and then come to life, they are almost dead. What bothers me about it is the mental state of the individual on the brink. In the end though, I really wonder what the process is, is it just horrible feeling the life suck out of you, or are you instinctively resigned to it when it occurs? These are some things that I never want to find out until it happens. It seems for the most part though that death would be like when you can barely stay conscious after sleep, there is just an overall suffocating resignation to it, that might actually seem appealing at the time. Even if there’s a thought process in your head begging you to “get up”, the temptation of letting consciousness slip away must be insurmountable. This doesn’t mean that we die by choice, or are willing to die, its more like an event horizon, that once its crossed our body and mind have no way of resisting. That’s really the scary part about the permanence of it, is how little choice, or control we have.
On that point of event horizon previously mentioned; every interaction in the physical world at some point must have this, a point in any physical action that brings about one destined outcome. I’m not simply talking about immediate and scientifically proven things such as gravity, but about exactly when does an object or person have any choice in the permanency of the physical effects of an action? When does something actually become history or a fact?
Next musing… Why
Sometimes I question how sane my sub conscious is. Today two things happened, one being déjà vu to the utmost accurate possibility; talking to my friend John and myself in a building I have never been in, in an area I have never seen. Then, as the day went on, things seemed normal, tried to work on my war and peace paper; Then a fucking psychological bomb dropped, where my roommate (I’ll leave his name out for dignity) told me to stop jerking off in the bedroom. I have no conscious knowledge of this, but he’s an upstanding guy, and there’s no way he’s making this shit up. He did say however, that it sounds like I’m jerking it, that leaves open the possibility that its my retarded recurring habit of chewing on my mouth. I actually think that this chewing is the issue. Either way I’m going to get some sort of psychological evaluation. I might just sleep with my hands tied to the bed for now… God damn this is weird, embarrassing and humiliating.
Interesting how problems resurface with the same causes and solutions but have entirely different consequence all depending when. I can’t tell you how long I’ve been trying to work out the developmental stages on one’s life and their direct correlation with age and applying that relationship to determine the success/intelligence/maturity of an individual. I wonder how this is ever really determined. Its like my favorite supreme court opinion by Warren, “I don’t know how to define porn, but I know it when I see it.”. Makes me wonder at the same time, what the fuck is maturity anyway? Where are the determinants? Also, judging from the individuals I’ve come to see as being successful, powerful, and even responsible; there are definitely certain types of maturity that matter significantly more than others. Sometimes I wonder, is maturity ever really a worthwhile thing to have? Its an entirely arbitrary characteristic in the grand scope of things. Intelligence and experience seem much more to do with responsibility than maturity. An individual can be totoally mature, moral and even fairly intelligent, but he (universal of course) can still be a dumb bastard and won’t receive any merit for being mature. All possessing maturity really translates to is having organized priorities, even then, are they necessarily a good thing?
Being the mature one in a group iis something I’m familiar with. At least being considered as such. Where has it gotten me, if ever. I feel its actually been a hamper on my social life and has definitely limited the enjoyment I could get out of life.
Well it finally happened, I went to the student counseling today. Depression has been raping my soul and life for a long time now. I can say that I’m proud to have gotten as far as I have while dealing whith it. Hopefully my life will be able to change for the better. I’m not a misanthrope yet, nor am I hopelessly in a hole. I have however trained myself to think negatively of myself. In part this is due to environmental factors, but a lot of it is a self perpetuating problem. Symptoms of depression often lead to anxiety and the like, and I’m really feeling those right now. Maybe with a little bit of hope, help and socialization, I’ll be able to overcome it without needing to go on anysort of medication. Perscription number one is excersise. I need to do at least a light workout every day. This starts tomorrow. With Johnedward, Dad, or hopefully, Donny.
It just hit me, things are looking bad for my wintercourse. I need to work out the scheduling as fast as possible with Roxanna. It’s smack dab in the middle of my internship, or of my class. I’m really not sure how to prioritize. Either way, shit is hitting the fan again. I think I’m starting to like/ get used to this way of life, only problem is the depression, and the anxiety. I’m sure these will past, but this is definitely a reserved optimism in light of my past.
I’ve never gone back and read what I’ve written until now. Its not good by any means, and a majority of the points I make definitely have large logical gaps between the sentences. They don’t look like the rambling diarrietic thoughts of a mad man though, that’s at least good. I should have mentioned above, my suspicions about the true originator of the jerking in my sleep sound were true, I just grind my teeth with an open mouth. Also since I wrote of the whole maturity thing, I’ve come to realize that I should have started the idea with saying “functionality is much more valuable than maturity” its more important for people to have useful capital than be mature in any matter. That’s all I was trying to say. Well, I think if I make it a habit of actually reading what I wrote, and then clarifying, some of these rants will actually make sense without the need to pose rhetorical questions.
Today in class, there was a patently offensive condoning of eugenic principles regarding the right to marry for Americans with down syndrome. I am incredibly opposed on restricting any human the findemental right to matrimony. Though there is no constitutional amendment stating there is a right to marry, writing laws restricting specific groups from marriage is heinous, immoral, and against the most fundamental liberal democratic values. Additionally, the logistics of who has a right to marry who based on any genetic requirements has an infinite amount of logistical fallacies in its execution.
The idea of eugenics is that humans can control breeding within a population to create genetically superior humans, or in the case of this paper, restrict the creation of more people viewed as genetically inferior. The grounds for this train of thought are based on breeding principles that have been successful for plants and various farm animals, though this basis is equally faulty for reasons I will now state.
I hadn't received the exiting paperwork until this point. I will turn
it in to my campus representative.
I do have a few things to say about the program regarding the
placement and scheduling.
In regards to where I worked and what hours I received, I found myself
incredibly disadvantaged with my placements. I was scheduled to work
at the Self Help Center in San Jose and the default workshops at the
Sunnyvale courthouse. My presence at the Sunnyvale courthouse was
entirely arbitrary, and in a few cases the workshops were canceled due
to a lack of litigants. The arbitrary presence at Sunnyvale greatly
hampered my ability to become fluent in the processes required at the
much more demanding Self Help Center. Essentially, I was working half
the time of the other JC members at the S.H.C, with much greater gaps
in between practicing functions relative to the processes. Four hours
once a week is not adequate time to become practiced in interviewing
and giving instructions. Additionally, this disparagement in hours was
worsened due to the hours of my (ironically labeled) internship class
that met every three weeks. The scheduling of my class was unannounced
until the second week of classes, and by that time our schedules in JC
were basically set in stone. The significance of this unfortunate
scheduling is that I was essentially working twelve hours a month
(optimally) at the S.H.C while other members were working on average
32. The disparagement in hours resulted in me having to reach for
extra training as often as I could (I was also taking 15 units of very
demanding classes), but in the end proved to not be enough. Working
roughly a third of the hours at the S.H.C in the end proved to be too
detrimental to my performance come evaluations. If anything can be
gained through my experience at JC, it's that members should be
scheduled to work at one site.
Despite my issues with the scheduling, I still learned a lot at the
program. I wish things could have worked out better.
Well it finally occurred. Turns out my parents had no idea how shitty highschool was for Jinedward. They had no idea how beaten up he was. That the medications made him unable to defend himself or exspress himself, that the staff knew what was going on and ignored it. I haven’t and won’t tell them about the worst stuff until Jinedward exspressly wants to. I don’t think they’ve accurately fathomed just how terrible it was for him. He described his experience on the luvox (if that’s how its spelled) and risperdal as being chained physically, with his mind submerged in sludge, but the insides of it going nuclear.
I think that my political science major greatly supplements my potential in my business minor. The classes in essence haven’t started, but they so far look pretty manageable. I’m three classes in, and I’m not scared, a huge improvement over my usual feeling in my polisci classes. I think the real difference lay in that the work and knowledge gained within business is more tangible and worldly overall. The ability to retain and apply abstracts will greatly improve my comparative standing to that of my peers, and may give my work a different flavor or ending effect to that of a pure business major. I think that I’m going to be very interested in these classes, so far I have a great interest in them. The group projects sound potentially trying, but the subjects of the matter are far less daunting than building a country, or writing a report for a poject that doesn’t exist and that for sure would not work. Overall, I’m excited at the prospect of my classes so far, the subject of negotiation and business law seem potentially daunting, but I’m not worried. Let’s hope for the best.
So for the first time in god knows how long I feel optimistic about my future. I’m excited about my potential within my classes, I think I’ll be able to stomp them to shit. However regarding the workload, I may possibly be setting myself up for disaster yet again. The Thursday schedule needs to be changed drastically, this means I either miss out on debate or computer skills that potentially can be the difference of law school or employment respectively. I’m not worried about my main courses though, I feel as if the subject matter isn’t nearly as binding, cynical, or overwhelming. There is actually a finite correct answer in the classes of business, something I dearly miss. The security alone adds to a hell of a sense of stability and certainty.
Other than the business classes life is looking very interesting. I’m hopeful, but reserved.
Second week of classes, so far the work seems rather simple and understandable. I have regrettably bought two of the same textbook through a stupid error, I’m returning my extracopy tomorrow, hopefully for a substantial refund.
I have noticed a substantial difference in the learning environment between business and political science. Not only is business more catering towards conditioning students to work together, they also have forced socialization in their classes, and many opportunities for public speaking. Somethiing that seems like it should have been essential for political science classes, but oddly was hardly a part of any of the course works. I still am optimistic about the business courses, though I do have a reservation for their grading style. I don’t like the idea of a curved grading system, simply because it means I could have a 99 in the class and still receive a B. However I do like it in that it supports the competitive nature of the class, and has the additional benefit that if you are to receive an A, it is not because you met the teachers standards, its because you were relatively higher than your fellow students. Not necessarily a good thing, but something that could definitely be a confidence builder and reason to try really hard at the classes. As typical of myself, I will help my competitors at anytime, but will subtly work my ass off in an attempt to best them. So far the course contents seem rather vague, but I’m sure that it will clear up in the future.
Today was also my first real experience with the debate team. I think Ryan and I have just become paintball buddies, but he was definitely far more hardcore into it than I ever was. I’d like to play a match against him, I’m sure he’d teach me a lot. Back to the debate team though, II found that the process of parliamentary debate is one of accelerated misunderstandings, massive miscommunications, and an exspose on the faults of the human condition regarding communication. The eloquence of the arguments shown today seemed rather limited, but it definitely looks like something that I could accelerate, if not, dominate at assuming I approach the subject with a clear mind. I am very interested in the impromptu speeches, as they are basically bullshitting an essay for five minutes. A skill that I definitely could have used throughout my scholastic career, and likely will need to use in law school.
The prospect of me graduating has left me thinking that there is still so much to be done on campus that I have not had the chance to do. I will try to approach this semester with a baallls out philosophy, but as I found out from last semester, I could only push myself so far. I need at least four hours a day to wind down, as I have found I’m very slow in transitioning mental states. This may be another one of my problems that I would like to modify about myself, and something that Ii may learn to counter balance through meditation. I think I’m going to try meditating before going to bed. Maybe that will calm my head down enough. Right now its active as shit, despite being worked the whole day.
I need to learn to type faster, if my hands were able to keep p with my thoughts, whol knows how much more accurately the thoughts would be portrayed, it would definitely make what I’m writing more honest in showing my thought process too. The moment of hesitation and calsculation of typing something out is definitely a significant barrier to the fluency of my ramblings. If I practice anything this semester, it will be a few things actually, but typind will definitely be on the upper list to improve.
The main thing that I realized that I’ve been lacking through most of my life is a meaningful sense of responsibility. I have dealt with plenty of heavy and very consequential shit, but whjen it comes to simple responsibilities I find myself incredibly inexperienced. This inexperience I believe is one of the reasons my anxieties have been gradually worsening over the last few years. I still remember how unbelievably nervous I became when I first did the til at cloverleaf. I think I did have it right, and that Tim being drunk didn’t help, but I just got so nervous. Same at JusticeCorps, I kept fucking things that I knew up because I got nervous and would forget to speak it as I though it. If I learn to be more responsible for the variables of my life, and gain greater independence, and the ability to prosper with it, I think that I could one day be very happy with my own state of being. Until then, it will be an arduous struggle, but a necessary one nonetheless.
-For tomorrow, 1.return the book 2. Get shots 3. Do reading for all Thursday classes (20n,160,150,149) 4. Stop by an atm 5.Go to morocco’s for wendy’s thing and have fun!
Well, I’m back to the grind again. I must say, even in the shit of it, business doesn’t seem as bad. I Have my first business midterm to do, and 20n, 91l, and hr homework to do, but all of these combined don’t seem as daunting as a political science paper. I think why it seems so much easier is the seriousness of the subject. Business is non binding, suggested soft science, with personal experience being involved, but hardly any historical and philosophical demands. Rather than writing of subjects directly applied to incredibly serious subjects, such as wars, famines, and poverty, we are instead working on efficiency among ourselves. Not to say that business is less important, just my first impression of it has so far held true.
What I really have on my mind right now is valentines day and Lauren. This is my first valentines day in four years being single, and I’m actually not that disturbed by being single, I’m more just troubled by being reminded of what I used to be a part of. I honestly loved that girl, and as I suspected but ignored, she obviously didn’t reciprocate the feeling meaningfully. She did “love” me and all, but not even close to the same extent of me to her. Really, I miss her, very badly. Not for the reasons I expected either. I do miss the sex, but more than that, I miss the simple touching, holding, and sleeping in the same bed. I miss her personality, I don’t think she ever realized that I liked the difficulty of her, though admittedly it did drive me crazy sometimes. I shouldn’t be thinking about this, I know I’m passing through her thoughts, but I wonder how much, or if she’s just dropped me entirely. Maybe one day we’ll speak again, but for a change, I’ll let her initiate. In essence, that’s the same as saying we never will, she’s a coward when it comes to exposing any sort of care for other individuals, anything outside of what can be precieved as should be I guess. She always needed a reason to care, something I admire as I seemingly never do, at least when it comes to my relationships with other people.
I need to stop brooding over this, its getting me nowhere. I’m on my way to becoming my own person, secure in my wants and needs because I’m remembering them slowly. Gradually again becoming a wild, undomesticated man, but at least my own man. I’m regaining my confidence in life, its had some serious ass blows. One day I’ll be able to look back on this and wonder at my own naivety and false pretenses. I hope that day will come soon.
Well, on more Earthly matters, today was yoga day. Ya, Yoga and Earthly are not normally something that I would couple together either. But nonetheless, it was the first day of our actual exercising. I have a hard time taking the advice of the teacher seriously. The whole notion of looking inward towards your inner being is very hard for me to grasp. I am my own inner being, it’s the outside world that totally fucking baffles me. I can’t help shake the feeling that we look totally ridiculous doing these excersises. Having an entire group of people making asses of themselves right along with me helps with the motivation, but in stark contrast to that is the pain of both the positions and the uber atomic wedgies. So far most of the positions that we’ve done have been painful for me, I’m constantly shaking and straining. I think its because I’m developing muscles that I’ve never worked in conventional life, nor in my large muscle-group exercises, now I’m working all of these support muscles for positions I’ve never willingly put myself or found myself in before. I guess in the end this will help me develop into a more well rounded person, possibly literally. I wonder if the exercises are going to have any visible results. Well, I’m happy I took the class, its definitely entertaining to say the least. Maybe it’ll fix my scoliosis.
I gotta get my shit together. Discipline! Discipline! Discipline! Oh and no “screens” after eleven has gone to shit, but I’ve still managed to keep them off before midnight. Plus, as was recommended, I have only to keep myself busy if I can’t sleep until I feel tired. Maybe we need to buy some chamomile next time we go shopping, it’s the beginning stages of a sleep aid, but I hope for my sake that that’s all I’ll need. First things first, time to read some of the stuff I’m supposed to know for bus 160. Then immensely bullshit my finance hw and get fucking help. I have a vague notion of what I’m doing, but the concepts are escaping me, I’m not used to having to work to understand things. I think that I need to give up the idea of being so solid in my knowledge. I need to change my identity to be one of a need to learn, without being helpless simultaneously. Glass empty type of thing. I’m pretty sure my perception of my own knowledge is why I have such trouble with math related subjects, there’s nothing to extrapolate from, its pure and unmitigated arbitrary logic, unattached to anything else in my brain. Why do I pursue to know, I don’t.
I think that I’ve established a decent part of my identity as a writer and a documenter. My impressions of things has become really valuable to me, I’ve learned that as miserable as I am, keeping reflections really helps me map out where the hell I am and where I’m going. Even if the entries are entirely pointless.
I think this document will only get read if I have an untimely death, a scandal of some sort, or some snoopy bitch/bastard that needs to learn a thing or two about respecting boundaries break it open. Nonetheless, I get to read it, and that alone is enough for me to document my answers to the ubiquitous “how are you” question.
I’ve learned that with the proper manipulation of words, one can really have an effect on the world around them. The power and permanence of the written word, of permanent transferences of thought with almost permanent central meanings, are more powerful than any fleeting unrecorded ones. The human condition drives me crazy. We can think and think and think, yet until we act upon those thoughts; they might as well not exist. No matter the complexities, the calculations, or the brilliance, until they’re recorded and in some way shared they might as well not exist. This presumption drives me insane at thinking of the potentials of the thoughts that were never recorded. The internet is a great medium to stick them into an infinitely expanding nothingness, but the competition likely renders them hardly known. Chances are that there have been millions of people thinking damn near this exact train of thought that I’m ranting through right now, that’s likely how the concept of the human condition came to be, yet these thoughts and explorations remain unknown to me.
Every time I feel achieved I realize how much farther I have to go to become a worthwhile human being. I feel as though I’ve been blessed with this existence in some oddly fucked up and absurd world, and have damn near no idea what to do with it. I have so far been ok at pretending to give a shit about worldly matters, but my attachment to them is slowly fading. Even when I enjoy things, temporary conditions, and can say I am content with myself, I in my damn never ending train of thought never end in recognizing how temporary it is.
One thing I’ve noticed is that I seem to be aware of a lot of things that many people have no concept of. At the same time, I’m entirely ignorant of so many things and worldly matters that others see. All I want to do is know enough and do enough to be at peace with my own conscious. Such a simple goal with such large weight behind it. I don’t want to consciously want this though, it makes it seem that much more unattainable. I doubt I’ll know it occurs, if it does.
If only I could directly link my train of thought to the papers in front of me; god knows what I could have written, god knows what actual writers could have written. Maybe one day some researcher find a way to attach thoughts directly to words. Papers would look like madness, but I’m sure it would be an oddly understandable montage of the subconscious. Maybe if I was a speed typer, and my fingers moved faster than my brain could transfer the thoughts to words? I think that that would be physically impossible, thoughts likely need to be formed before the appendages get the signals.
If I could only get this (this being generally defined as things that make me unhappy) weight permanently off my mind, I think I could actually make this world a better place for those in it. I don’t want to be removed from it, and I don’t want to die as a witness of it. I really want to take part in this world, to meet people, experience things, have something so that when I’m old and dying (if I make it that far) I can think to myself and say to my grandkids all of the things I’ve done with pride (or at least contentment and without regret). Now in order to do this, I’ll need to have a few things done.
For one, I need to become more independent. I need to be my own man, taking care of others when I can, but never needing to depend on others again. It’s a terrible thing to think that I need to directly counterbalance the over-generosity of my parents. They have raised me well, but they’ve raised me lacking in key areas. I need to wrest my independence from them without harming them. Maybe a simple telling, maybe just getting a job and insisting to stay away. Nah fuck that second idea, I’ll just tell them. Autonomy here I come, then I can worry about love.
Next thing I need to get in order is my demeanor. I’ve found that with a little bit of spacing, I can escape from the overwhelming cynicism that runs through most conversations in my home. Especially from my parents. Jinedward and Paul haven’t grown wise enough to realize that it’s happening, that our parents are fiercely negative. This is an issue that I tried to bring up to my mom, talking about how Paul, Jinedward, and I have learned helplessness. Honestly she didn’t know what the hell I was talking about. Basically, my brothers and I need to take the initiative to grab the responsibilities that our parents kindly, but unwisely allowed us to circumspect. The road to independence will be arduous and, at least to me, rather embarrassing that it’s an issue that needs to be dealt with. The benefits of such a life changing status are magnanimous and much greater than the embarrassment, which will only increase with time.
So sayith the WIzZAard.
Something’s are best kept private.
What does it take to get somewhere in life, and is it really necessary? I am not apathetic, but the twinge of quite desperation seems like an inescapable spectre, even in the times when I try to "relax" it rears its grey-green head. I'm sure that this feeling will haunt me till I'm old, especially to someone of mediocre talent such as myself. Knowledgeable and somewhat clever, but not consistent enough to amount to anything. I know I'm not alone in this sentiment, millions of others in the world have lived their lives in this manner. Having talents that shine at times, only to find that they're mediocre in the grand scheme. What's it take to escape this whining anxiety? It would be an interesting study to see how much the fear of mediocrity pushes those in the upper ranks of any respective field.
If one were to grow up in the U.S among equals, they would understand what this feels like. Success abound but none for you, unless you throw away everything that you've held dear in your life. Maybe that's why attachment is a sin, you can be damn productive without it. Damn certain though, trying to succeed in the land of opportunity is a schizophrenic nightmare. It makes one wonder what the merits of equality really are. Inequality is a convenience when it comes to life achievement and security, no wonder its so pervasive. Competition does produce a hell of a healthy society and system, the problem is the struggle is never ending. Survival is a heavy burden, survival in relative happiness is one that I can't help but be miserable in achieving. Maybe one day someone will read these words and provide an answer to my question. As for right now, I'll stop bitching and get on with my existence, as has been going on for billions of years with much greater problems than my whining paranoia.
Maybe there's a solution somewhere, as many wise men have said, its the question that's the start. Granted asking how to escape from one's success anxiety isn't as fallacious as asking "why not kill myself?", but simultaneously both have a right to be answered when they're posed. I couldn't imagine a world without this anxiety either though; would it be paradise, or another re--wrapping of hell?
Next topic, politics, the most pervasive thing to exist among creatures, not the birds, bees bacteria, or humanity can exist without politics coming into view. First I’m going to show one of the overarching results of politics, the incessant need for conflict. Then I’m going to explain why politics is the form that this need comes through.
There are always resources, there are always things fighting for those resources. If there is ever an abundance of one resource, such as air (in the Earth’s atmosphere the day of this writing) another plane will be found. Wonder why the most powerful men are the most petty? They have to fight something, they need an enemy. Royalty is beautiful in how childlike it is. Same with nationalism, once a nation is aligned they need an enemy, sometimes the other way around. Living in harmony is all well and good, but god damn do we need those struggles. Could you imagine a world where everybody was submissive to one power? It would be synonymous with peace, but simultaneously the greatest tyranny. Underneath all of the want for peace and security is a want of conflict, of doing, of action. Nobody wants to get old and die without a struggle in the process. Maintain peace so you can control exactly what conflicts you engage in. Isn’t that the point of safety and order? The same schizophrenic double take that’s so pervasive in human thought, but so necessary in its practice and organization.
What’s a mind worth? Infinite, especially If its in your possension. I can’t fathom why I am so willing to waste it on animal sympathies, I witness the result of it everyday, and see the horrible results of it in people that have stake in future generations, yet when I get a hankerin for ineffectual activity, there’s no resisting it. Why can’t my rationale dictate everything? Stupid ass negative feedback system, maybe if we could have all of our hormonal, or not neccesarry needs regulated through some sort of medication? One that makes us need to be productive to get the same high as sex; a permanent need to meet aspirations while also providing the high levels of animalistic pleasure from achieving non-biologically mandated goals?
What is it about death that bothers me… surprisingly little. The scariest thing about it is the permanence of it and the one way, infinitely taxing and forever changing element of it. By definition once you are dead, there is no returning. In the cases where individuals lose all vital signs and then come to life, they are almost dead. What bothers me about it is the mental state of the individual on the brink. In the end though, I really wonder what the process is, is it just horrible feeling the life suck out of you, or are you instinctively resigned to it when it occurs? These are some things that I never want to find out until it happens. It seems for the most part though that death would be like when you can barely stay conscious after sleep, there is just an overall suffocating resignation to it, that might actually seem appealing at the time. Even if there’s a thought process in your head begging you to “get up”, the temptation of letting consciousness slip away must be insurmountable. This doesn’t mean that we die by choice, or are willing to die, its more like an event horizon, that once its crossed our body and mind have no way of resisting. That’s really the scary part about the permanence of it, is how little choice, or control we have.
On that point of event horizon previously mentioned; every interaction in the physical world at some point must have this, a point in any physical action that brings about one destined outcome. I’m not simply talking about immediate and scientifically proven things such as gravity, but about exactly when does an object or person have any choice in the permanency of the physical effects of an action? When does something actually become history or a fact?
Next musing… Why
Sometimes I question how sane my sub conscious is. Today two things happened, one being déjà vu to the utmost accurate possibility; talking to my friend John and myself in a building I have never been in, in an area I have never seen. Then, as the day went on, things seemed normal, tried to work on my war and peace paper; Then a fucking psychological bomb dropped, where my roommate (I’ll leave his name out for dignity) told me to stop jerking off in the bedroom. I have no conscious knowledge of this, but he’s an upstanding guy, and there’s no way he’s making this shit up. He did say however, that it sounds like I’m jerking it, that leaves open the possibility that its my retarded recurring habit of chewing on my mouth. I actually think that this chewing is the issue. Either way I’m going to get some sort of psychological evaluation. I might just sleep with my hands tied to the bed for now… God damn this is weird, embarrassing and humiliating.
Interesting how problems resurface with the same causes and solutions but have entirely different consequence all depending when. I can’t tell you how long I’ve been trying to work out the developmental stages on one’s life and their direct correlation with age and applying that relationship to determine the success/intelligence/maturity of an individual. I wonder how this is ever really determined. Its like my favorite supreme court opinion by Warren, “I don’t know how to define porn, but I know it when I see it.”. Makes me wonder at the same time, what the fuck is maturity anyway? Where are the determinants? Also, judging from the individuals I’ve come to see as being successful, powerful, and even responsible; there are definitely certain types of maturity that matter significantly more than others. Sometimes I wonder, is maturity ever really a worthwhile thing to have? Its an entirely arbitrary characteristic in the grand scope of things. Intelligence and experience seem much more to do with responsibility than maturity. An individual can be totoally mature, moral and even fairly intelligent, but he (universal of course) can still be a dumb bastard and won’t receive any merit for being mature. All possessing maturity really translates to is having organized priorities, even then, are they necessarily a good thing?
Being the mature one in a group iis something I’m familiar with. At least being considered as such. Where has it gotten me, if ever. I feel its actually been a hamper on my social life and has definitely limited the enjoyment I could get out of life.
Well it finally happened, I went to the student counseling today. Depression has been raping my soul and life for a long time now. I can say that I’m proud to have gotten as far as I have while dealing whith it. Hopefully my life will be able to change for the better. I’m not a misanthrope yet, nor am I hopelessly in a hole. I have however trained myself to think negatively of myself. In part this is due to environmental factors, but a lot of it is a self perpetuating problem. Symptoms of depression often lead to anxiety and the like, and I’m really feeling those right now. Maybe with a little bit of hope, help and socialization, I’ll be able to overcome it without needing to go on anysort of medication. Perscription number one is excersise. I need to do at least a light workout every day. This starts tomorrow. With Johnedward, Dad, or hopefully, Donny.
It just hit me, things are looking bad for my wintercourse. I need to work out the scheduling as fast as possible with Roxanna. It’s smack dab in the middle of my internship, or of my class. I’m really not sure how to prioritize. Either way, shit is hitting the fan again. I think I’m starting to like/ get used to this way of life, only problem is the depression, and the anxiety. I’m sure these will past, but this is definitely a reserved optimism in light of my past.
I’ve never gone back and read what I’ve written until now. Its not good by any means, and a majority of the points I make definitely have large logical gaps between the sentences. They don’t look like the rambling diarrietic thoughts of a mad man though, that’s at least good. I should have mentioned above, my suspicions about the true originator of the jerking in my sleep sound were true, I just grind my teeth with an open mouth. Also since I wrote of the whole maturity thing, I’ve come to realize that I should have started the idea with saying “functionality is much more valuable than maturity” its more important for people to have useful capital than be mature in any matter. That’s all I was trying to say. Well, I think if I make it a habit of actually reading what I wrote, and then clarifying, some of these rants will actually make sense without the need to pose rhetorical questions.
Today in class, there was a patently offensive condoning of eugenic principles regarding the right to marry for Americans with down syndrome. I am incredibly opposed on restricting any human the findemental right to matrimony. Though there is no constitutional amendment stating there is a right to marry, writing laws restricting specific groups from marriage is heinous, immoral, and against the most fundamental liberal democratic values. Additionally, the logistics of who has a right to marry who based on any genetic requirements has an infinite amount of logistical fallacies in its execution.
The idea of eugenics is that humans can control breeding within a population to create genetically superior humans, or in the case of this paper, restrict the creation of more people viewed as genetically inferior. The grounds for this train of thought are based on breeding principles that have been successful for plants and various farm animals, though this basis is equally faulty for reasons I will now state.
I hadn't received the exiting paperwork until this point. I will turn
it in to my campus representative.
I do have a few things to say about the program regarding the
placement and scheduling.
In regards to where I worked and what hours I received, I found myself
incredibly disadvantaged with my placements. I was scheduled to work
at the Self Help Center in San Jose and the default workshops at the
Sunnyvale courthouse. My presence at the Sunnyvale courthouse was
entirely arbitrary, and in a few cases the workshops were canceled due
to a lack of litigants. The arbitrary presence at Sunnyvale greatly
hampered my ability to become fluent in the processes required at the
much more demanding Self Help Center. Essentially, I was working half
the time of the other JC members at the S.H.C, with much greater gaps
in between practicing functions relative to the processes. Four hours
once a week is not adequate time to become practiced in interviewing
and giving instructions. Additionally, this disparagement in hours was
worsened due to the hours of my (ironically labeled) internship class
that met every three weeks. The scheduling of my class was unannounced
until the second week of classes, and by that time our schedules in JC
were basically set in stone. The significance of this unfortunate
scheduling is that I was essentially working twelve hours a month
(optimally) at the S.H.C while other members were working on average
32. The disparagement in hours resulted in me having to reach for
extra training as often as I could (I was also taking 15 units of very
demanding classes), but in the end proved to not be enough. Working
roughly a third of the hours at the S.H.C in the end proved to be too
detrimental to my performance come evaluations. If anything can be
gained through my experience at JC, it's that members should be
scheduled to work at one site.
Despite my issues with the scheduling, I still learned a lot at the
program. I wish things could have worked out better.
Well it finally occurred. Turns out my parents had no idea how shitty highschool was for Jinedward. They had no idea how beaten up he was. That the medications made him unable to defend himself or exspress himself, that the staff knew what was going on and ignored it. I haven’t and won’t tell them about the worst stuff until Jinedward exspressly wants to. I don’t think they’ve accurately fathomed just how terrible it was for him. He described his experience on the luvox (if that’s how its spelled) and risperdal as being chained physically, with his mind submerged in sludge, but the insides of it going nuclear.
I think that my political science major greatly supplements my potential in my business minor. The classes in essence haven’t started, but they so far look pretty manageable. I’m three classes in, and I’m not scared, a huge improvement over my usual feeling in my polisci classes. I think the real difference lay in that the work and knowledge gained within business is more tangible and worldly overall. The ability to retain and apply abstracts will greatly improve my comparative standing to that of my peers, and may give my work a different flavor or ending effect to that of a pure business major. I think that I’m going to be very interested in these classes, so far I have a great interest in them. The group projects sound potentially trying, but the subjects of the matter are far less daunting than building a country, or writing a report for a poject that doesn’t exist and that for sure would not work. Overall, I’m excited at the prospect of my classes so far, the subject of negotiation and business law seem potentially daunting, but I’m not worried. Let’s hope for the best.
So for the first time in god knows how long I feel optimistic about my future. I’m excited about my potential within my classes, I think I’ll be able to stomp them to shit. However regarding the workload, I may possibly be setting myself up for disaster yet again. The Thursday schedule needs to be changed drastically, this means I either miss out on debate or computer skills that potentially can be the difference of law school or employment respectively. I’m not worried about my main courses though, I feel as if the subject matter isn’t nearly as binding, cynical, or overwhelming. There is actually a finite correct answer in the classes of business, something I dearly miss. The security alone adds to a hell of a sense of stability and certainty.
Other than the business classes life is looking very interesting. I’m hopeful, but reserved.
Second week of classes, so far the work seems rather simple and understandable. I have regrettably bought two of the same textbook through a stupid error, I’m returning my extracopy tomorrow, hopefully for a substantial refund.
I have noticed a substantial difference in the learning environment between business and political science. Not only is business more catering towards conditioning students to work together, they also have forced socialization in their classes, and many opportunities for public speaking. Somethiing that seems like it should have been essential for political science classes, but oddly was hardly a part of any of the course works. I still am optimistic about the business courses, though I do have a reservation for their grading style. I don’t like the idea of a curved grading system, simply because it means I could have a 99 in the class and still receive a B. However I do like it in that it supports the competitive nature of the class, and has the additional benefit that if you are to receive an A, it is not because you met the teachers standards, its because you were relatively higher than your fellow students. Not necessarily a good thing, but something that could definitely be a confidence builder and reason to try really hard at the classes. As typical of myself, I will help my competitors at anytime, but will subtly work my ass off in an attempt to best them. So far the course contents seem rather vague, but I’m sure that it will clear up in the future.
Today was also my first real experience with the debate team. I think Ryan and I have just become paintball buddies, but he was definitely far more hardcore into it than I ever was. I’d like to play a match against him, I’m sure he’d teach me a lot. Back to the debate team though, II found that the process of parliamentary debate is one of accelerated misunderstandings, massive miscommunications, and an exspose on the faults of the human condition regarding communication. The eloquence of the arguments shown today seemed rather limited, but it definitely looks like something that I could accelerate, if not, dominate at assuming I approach the subject with a clear mind. I am very interested in the impromptu speeches, as they are basically bullshitting an essay for five minutes. A skill that I definitely could have used throughout my scholastic career, and likely will need to use in law school.
The prospect of me graduating has left me thinking that there is still so much to be done on campus that I have not had the chance to do. I will try to approach this semester with a baallls out philosophy, but as I found out from last semester, I could only push myself so far. I need at least four hours a day to wind down, as I have found I’m very slow in transitioning mental states. This may be another one of my problems that I would like to modify about myself, and something that Ii may learn to counter balance through meditation. I think I’m going to try meditating before going to bed. Maybe that will calm my head down enough. Right now its active as shit, despite being worked the whole day.
I need to learn to type faster, if my hands were able to keep p with my thoughts, whol knows how much more accurately the thoughts would be portrayed, it would definitely make what I’m writing more honest in showing my thought process too. The moment of hesitation and calsculation of typing something out is definitely a significant barrier to the fluency of my ramblings. If I practice anything this semester, it will be a few things actually, but typind will definitely be on the upper list to improve.
The main thing that I realized that I’ve been lacking through most of my life is a meaningful sense of responsibility. I have dealt with plenty of heavy and very consequential shit, but whjen it comes to simple responsibilities I find myself incredibly inexperienced. This inexperience I believe is one of the reasons my anxieties have been gradually worsening over the last few years. I still remember how unbelievably nervous I became when I first did the til at cloverleaf. I think I did have it right, and that Tim being drunk didn’t help, but I just got so nervous. Same at JusticeCorps, I kept fucking things that I knew up because I got nervous and would forget to speak it as I though it. If I learn to be more responsible for the variables of my life, and gain greater independence, and the ability to prosper with it, I think that I could one day be very happy with my own state of being. Until then, it will be an arduous struggle, but a necessary one nonetheless.
-For tomorrow, 1.return the book 2. Get shots 3. Do reading for all Thursday classes (20n,160,150,149) 4. Stop by an atm 5.Go to morocco’s for wendy’s thing and have fun!
Well, I’m back to the grind again. I must say, even in the shit of it, business doesn’t seem as bad. I Have my first business midterm to do, and 20n, 91l, and hr homework to do, but all of these combined don’t seem as daunting as a political science paper. I think why it seems so much easier is the seriousness of the subject. Business is non binding, suggested soft science, with personal experience being involved, but hardly any historical and philosophical demands. Rather than writing of subjects directly applied to incredibly serious subjects, such as wars, famines, and poverty, we are instead working on efficiency among ourselves. Not to say that business is less important, just my first impression of it has so far held true.
What I really have on my mind right now is valentines day and Lauren. This is my first valentines day in four years being single, and I’m actually not that disturbed by being single, I’m more just troubled by being reminded of what I used to be a part of. I honestly loved that girl, and as I suspected but ignored, she obviously didn’t reciprocate the feeling meaningfully. She did “love” me and all, but not even close to the same extent of me to her. Really, I miss her, very badly. Not for the reasons I expected either. I do miss the sex, but more than that, I miss the simple touching, holding, and sleeping in the same bed. I miss her personality, I don’t think she ever realized that I liked the difficulty of her, though admittedly it did drive me crazy sometimes. I shouldn’t be thinking about this, I know I’m passing through her thoughts, but I wonder how much, or if she’s just dropped me entirely. Maybe one day we’ll speak again, but for a change, I’ll let her initiate. In essence, that’s the same as saying we never will, she’s a coward when it comes to exposing any sort of care for other individuals, anything outside of what can be precieved as should be I guess. She always needed a reason to care, something I admire as I seemingly never do, at least when it comes to my relationships with other people.
I need to stop brooding over this, its getting me nowhere. I’m on my way to becoming my own person, secure in my wants and needs because I’m remembering them slowly. Gradually again becoming a wild, undomesticated man, but at least my own man. I’m regaining my confidence in life, its had some serious ass blows. One day I’ll be able to look back on this and wonder at my own naivety and false pretenses. I hope that day will come soon.
Well, on more Earthly matters, today was yoga day. Ya, Yoga and Earthly are not normally something that I would couple together either. But nonetheless, it was the first day of our actual exercising. I have a hard time taking the advice of the teacher seriously. The whole notion of looking inward towards your inner being is very hard for me to grasp. I am my own inner being, it’s the outside world that totally fucking baffles me. I can’t help shake the feeling that we look totally ridiculous doing these excersises. Having an entire group of people making asses of themselves right along with me helps with the motivation, but in stark contrast to that is the pain of both the positions and the uber atomic wedgies. So far most of the positions that we’ve done have been painful for me, I’m constantly shaking and straining. I think its because I’m developing muscles that I’ve never worked in conventional life, nor in my large muscle-group exercises, now I’m working all of these support muscles for positions I’ve never willingly put myself or found myself in before. I guess in the end this will help me develop into a more well rounded person, possibly literally. I wonder if the exercises are going to have any visible results. Well, I’m happy I took the class, its definitely entertaining to say the least. Maybe it’ll fix my scoliosis.
I gotta get my shit together. Discipline! Discipline! Discipline! Oh and no “screens” after eleven has gone to shit, but I’ve still managed to keep them off before midnight. Plus, as was recommended, I have only to keep myself busy if I can’t sleep until I feel tired. Maybe we need to buy some chamomile next time we go shopping, it’s the beginning stages of a sleep aid, but I hope for my sake that that’s all I’ll need. First things first, time to read some of the stuff I’m supposed to know for bus 160. Then immensely bullshit my finance hw and get fucking help. I have a vague notion of what I’m doing, but the concepts are escaping me, I’m not used to having to work to understand things. I think that I need to give up the idea of being so solid in my knowledge. I need to change my identity to be one of a need to learn, without being helpless simultaneously. Glass empty type of thing. I’m pretty sure my perception of my own knowledge is why I have such trouble with math related subjects, there’s nothing to extrapolate from, its pure and unmitigated arbitrary logic, unattached to anything else in my brain. Why do I pursue to know, I don’t.
I think that I’ve established a decent part of my identity as a writer and a documenter. My impressions of things has become really valuable to me, I’ve learned that as miserable as I am, keeping reflections really helps me map out where the hell I am and where I’m going. Even if the entries are entirely pointless.
I think this document will only get read if I have an untimely death, a scandal of some sort, or some snoopy bitch/bastard that needs to learn a thing or two about respecting boundaries break it open. Nonetheless, I get to read it, and that alone is enough for me to document my answers to the ubiquitous “how are you” question.
I’ve learned that with the proper manipulation of words, one can really have an effect on the world around them. The power and permanence of the written word, of permanent transferences of thought with almost permanent central meanings, are more powerful than any fleeting unrecorded ones. The human condition drives me crazy. We can think and think and think, yet until we act upon those thoughts; they might as well not exist. No matter the complexities, the calculations, or the brilliance, until they’re recorded and in some way shared they might as well not exist. This presumption drives me insane at thinking of the potentials of the thoughts that were never recorded. The internet is a great medium to stick them into an infinitely expanding nothingness, but the competition likely renders them hardly known. Chances are that there have been millions of people thinking damn near this exact train of thought that I’m ranting through right now, that’s likely how the concept of the human condition came to be, yet these thoughts and explorations remain unknown to me.
Every time I feel achieved I realize how much farther I have to go to become a worthwhile human being. I feel as though I’ve been blessed with this existence in some oddly fucked up and absurd world, and have damn near no idea what to do with it. I have so far been ok at pretending to give a shit about worldly matters, but my attachment to them is slowly fading. Even when I enjoy things, temporary conditions, and can say I am content with myself, I in my damn never ending train of thought never end in recognizing how temporary it is.
One thing I’ve noticed is that I seem to be aware of a lot of things that many people have no concept of. At the same time, I’m entirely ignorant of so many things and worldly matters that others see. All I want to do is know enough and do enough to be at peace with my own conscious. Such a simple goal with such large weight behind it. I don’t want to consciously want this though, it makes it seem that much more unattainable. I doubt I’ll know it occurs, if it does.
If only I could directly link my train of thought to the papers in front of me; god knows what I could have written, god knows what actual writers could have written. Maybe one day some researcher find a way to attach thoughts directly to words. Papers would look like madness, but I’m sure it would be an oddly understandable montage of the subconscious. Maybe if I was a speed typer, and my fingers moved faster than my brain could transfer the thoughts to words? I think that that would be physically impossible, thoughts likely need to be formed before the appendages get the signals.
If I could only get this (this being generally defined as things that make me unhappy) weight permanently off my mind, I think I could actually make this world a better place for those in it. I don’t want to be removed from it, and I don’t want to die as a witness of it. I really want to take part in this world, to meet people, experience things, have something so that when I’m old and dying (if I make it that far) I can think to myself and say to my grandkids all of the things I’ve done with pride (or at least contentment and without regret). Now in order to do this, I’ll need to have a few things done.
For one, I need to become more independent. I need to be my own man, taking care of others when I can, but never needing to depend on others again. It’s a terrible thing to think that I need to directly counterbalance the over-generosity of my parents. They have raised me well, but they’ve raised me lacking in key areas. I need to wrest my independence from them without harming them. Maybe a simple telling, maybe just getting a job and insisting to stay away. Nah fuck that second idea, I’ll just tell them. Autonomy here I come, then I can worry about love.
Next thing I need to get in order is my demeanor. I’ve found that with a little bit of spacing, I can escape from the overwhelming cynicism that runs through most conversations in my home. Especially from my parents. Jinedward and Paul haven’t grown wise enough to realize that it’s happening, that our parents are fiercely negative. This is an issue that I tried to bring up to my mom, talking about how Paul, Jinedward, and I have learned helplessness. Honestly she didn’t know what the hell I was talking about. Basically, my brothers and I need to take the initiative to grab the responsibilities that our parents kindly, but unwisely allowed us to circumspect. The road to independence will be arduous and, at least to me, rather embarrassing that it’s an issue that needs to be dealt with. The benefits of such a life changing status are magnanimous and much greater than the embarrassment, which will only increase with time.
So sayith the WIzZAard.
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