KnIghtly Knews

What motivates me to workout? Very simple: Being out of shape makes me feel like shit. Hacking up a lung while climbing a staircase, being immobile when you want to exert, and worst of all actually feeling sluggish and weak in body and mind. I understand that time in the gym is often a practice of seeking desirability warranted by others or for oneself. In my case it is intrinsic. I exercise in the effort to stay alive and to have a feeling of power and efficacy. I realize that I will have a very rough transition into public service since I've lived a rather posh and sheltered life physically. So I need to compensate for that and my inherent weaknesses with physical preparation. Emotionally I've been through a pretty good gamut of hell, but I also need to feel as though I can push through personal boundaries and test my limits of physical capability under emotional exhaustion. Though I also workout with a conscious effort to avoid being repulsive. Most people are perfect...

It has come to my attention that the reason people fail to achieve their goals has very little to do with a lack of ability but everything to do with a lack of persistence. I need to find a binding track that will force me along to where I want to be. Without that, I believe I'll find myself far too content with the status quo. I'm getting my ass in gear once my lungs work again. In the mean time, I'll try not to procrasterbate while my life needs to get started. The real world never hits... It's a void unless you fill it with something. Problem is I don't have thing that I believe in enough to fill it with. Aside from the constitution and sympathy and empathy for those without opportunities...

Typing all of your thoughts as fast as you can has a theraputic propoerty to it. now ionly if i could type fast and sccurate. and as fast as i could think i would kick osome serious ass in everything. not only arem y thought slinear, but theiry aloso sequential, usually following the format of an outline without needing one. this is the cauwesed by me writing so long ont using wrtiten outlines and iinstead writing off the ltop of myhead. problem is i write even shitteir than i type.

Is there any merit in being a good person? I don't think that it's a common compliment, that "You're the best person I know." but it's one I've recieved on multiple occasions from multiple people that I have known for long periods of time. And what do I have to show for it? a twisted sense of humor, a spoiled tone, poverty, and a shattered and arrested confidence. When will freedom and independence reign?

One day I will get in touch with my inner drive and wants. And I'm actually afraid of the animal I will become when that happens. I can sense my capability for it. Luckily I have a soft spot for sympathetic stories and underdogs, but in the right environment I can become a horrendously brutal calculating monster. I hope that whenever it does happen, It'll be in an environment where I will be forced into actions that are beneficial to the system.

Be sure to read all of the dock before you judge on any particular entry Something’s are best kept private. What does it take to get somewhere in life, and is it really necessary? I am not apathetic, but the twinge of quite desperation seems like an inescapable spectre, even in the times when I try to "relax" it rears its grey-green head. I'm sure that this feeling will haunt me till I'm old, especially to someone of mediocre talent such as myself. Knowledgeable and somewhat clever, but not consistent enough to amount to anything. I know I'm not alone in this sentiment, millions of others in the world have lived their lives in this manner. Having talents that shine at times, only to find that they're mediocre in the grand scheme. What's it take to escape this whining anxiety? It would be an interesting study to see how much the fear of mediocrity pushes those in the upper ranks of any respective field. If one were to grow up in the U.S among equals, they w...

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